all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
