I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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