porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So vagazzling was a success
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
