I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
