I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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