I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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