He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
