i think i have two assholes
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
