The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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