Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
