Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
wakey wakey hands off snakey
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
