Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
