Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
