i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize