Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
