I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
