Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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