Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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