john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize