when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
