she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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