I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
