Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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