Whatcha textin bout Willis?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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