I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
