then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
