Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
