her vagine was all disorganized.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
