Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
