I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
