It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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