She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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