why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
