Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
