I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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