This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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