Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
