If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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