Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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