So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
