P.S. I can't hear my feet
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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