Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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