oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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