I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
