I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
