Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
