I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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