k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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