i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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