she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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