he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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