if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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