I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize