Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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