thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
