I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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