she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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