That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
