is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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