is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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