Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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