If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
as a side note pls kill me
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
