please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
