i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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