Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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